Goat Porn Madness
by Mistress Nika
Summary: The Sohma family and Tohru catch a previously unknown disease that makes them act in strange, random ways. Is there a cure? One can only wonder... DISCONTINUED
1. Chapter Orange!

Title: Goat Porn Madness  
  
Author: Mistress Nika  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Disclaimer: I created the dreaded disease featured here! BWAHAHAHA!!! Well, okay, my little sister did. But I helped!! It was my lab she used! ;P  
  
Summary: The Sohma family + Tohru catches a previously unheard of disease that makes them act in strange, random ways. Is there a cure? Let's hope so or the world may never be the same again!  
  
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Kyou, Yuki and Tohru were out shopping for groceries one day. Nothing special. Yuki called Kyou "baka neko" and Kyou responded with a punch...which Yuki quickly and effortlessly dodged of course.  
  
Tohru sighed in exasperation. This happened so often she didn't even bother getting excited about it anymore. But then a sign in the window of the store caught her eye.  
  
"Oh!" she exclaimed. Yuki and Kyou stoped fighting to look at her as she said excitedly almost jumping up and down with enthusiasm, "Only 3.97 years to train for the next Women's World Cup!" Here she paused and looked thoughtful, "I guess I should factor in a week or two for that sex change operation if I want to qualify..."  
  
Both boys' mouths fell open in shock.  
  
"Honda-san?" Yuki asked carefully, "Is there something we should know about you?"  
  
Kyou was shocked beyond words.  
  
Tohru gasped, realizing what she had said. "I...I don't know what came over me!" she hastily explained. "It just...came out. Like I had no control over my mouth!"  
  
Yuki nodded. "I understand, Honda-san." he said knowingly, "I have often--" Here he paused and his eyes grew wide, settling on something behind and to the right of Tohru. His mouth began to water and he suddenly shouted, "Free Cheetos!!!" Then he was nothing but a blur, making for that certain something.  
  
Kyou and Tohru watched in shock as he began shaking a vending machine, frantically rocking it back and forth in effort to dislodge the cheesy goodness within. The normally calm prince's face was stuck somewhere between a child of two who had just discovered chocolate and an insane murderer who had just discovered their next victim.  
  
"A...ano...Yuki-kun..?" Tohru began, taking a hesitant step towards him. "You...you shouldn't do that. It could--"  
  
Suddenly the massive machine began to sway dangerously forward. Yuki continued pulling at it, unaware of it's downward decent. "Free Cheetos!" he chanted happily, "Free Cheetos! Free Chee --" SPLAT  
  
The machine tiped forward and fell, crushing the mouse under it's enourmous weight. Or at least, it would have. In the instant the machine would have crushed him, he suddenly noticed his life-and-death predicament and the sudden fear shocked him into transforming. So now, laying swirly eyed in the crevace of the food-getting-slot (?) was a very lucky mouse.  
  
Unfortunately, he was trapped. And unfortunately the other's thought he was dead seeing as the arm of his shirt was sticking out from under it.  
  
"OH BEEEP!!!" Tohru cried desperately, running around in frantic circles. "HE'S DEAD! HE'S DEAD! HE'S DEAD!"  
  
"He's not dead." Kyou said calmly.  
  
Tohru stopped panicing long enough to look with Kyou into the side of the plastic. Inside a grey mouse was gorging itself on Cheetos!  
  
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(A/N) Next chapter, a visit with the firemen, the vet, the police, a hentai Shigure, a naked Haru and a very confused Hatori. R&R! 


	2. Chapter Badger!

Title: Goat Porn Madness  
  
Author: Mistress Nika  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Disclaimer: I own Goat Porn Madness, but not Fruit's Basket. Shhh! Gonna let you in on a little secret. The cast is just a test for my new weapon of mass destruction, the dreaded disease called Goat Porn Madness! If all goes well I should be releasing it on other unsuspecting series in about a week. And after that........THE WORLD!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  
  
Summary: The Sohma family + Tohru catches a strange disease that makes them act in strange, random ways. Will the family ever be the same again?  
  
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Last Time  
  
Tohru stopped panicking long enough to look with Kyou into the side of the plastic. Inside a gray mouse was gorging itself on Cheetos!  
  
This Chapter  
  
~Four hours later at Shigure's house~  
  
Kyou, Tohru and a supremely embarrassed Yuki, all wearing matching black-and-white stripped prison outfits, sat around the table explaining to Shigure what had happened. Each of them looked slightly pink with embarrassment while Tohru told their story.  
  
"And when the firemen arrived," Tohru explained, "they cut open the vending machine and pulled Yuki-kun out. Kyou-kun took the blame for making it fall. We said our pet mouse had gotten stuck in it and we were trying to get it out. Then said they wouldn't press charges and then they insisted on taking Yuki-kun straight to the vet to check for any injuries. The vet ended up pumping his stomach because all the Cheetos and aluminum foil from the bags was making him sick. Luckily he didn't change back then because they wouldn't let Kyou-kun and me see him. Then when they finally let us back to see him we asked if we could be alone with him for a minute. When the vet left the room we grabbed Yuki-kun and jumped out the window in case he transformed back soon. We weren't even halfway around the building when he changed back. Unfortunately, a pack of hungry vicious dogs saw us and we were forced to run from them. Yuki-kun didn't have time to find any clothes...so he got arrested for streaking. Then while we were trying to stop the police from arresting him, the vet came out and accused us of leaving without paying...so Kyou-kun and I were arrested too. And that's the end. We called you from the jail and you bailed us all out."  
  
Yuki embarrassedly plunked his head down on the table. "Akito is gonna be so pissed." he groaned.  
  
Kyou angrily pointed his finger at Yuki and accused, "This all happened because of you and your freakish CHEESE OBSESSION!!"  
  
Yuki tiredly rolled his head to the side to glare at Kyou. "I am a rat." he replied simply. "Rat's like cheese. Therefore, I like cheese."  
  
"Hmm." Shigure began, stroking his chin and thinking hard. (insert random flash into Shigure's mind which includes scantily clad schoolgirls frolicking through his house) "Still, the sight of Cheetos should not have set off such a reaction in you. I wonder if you've caught a bug, Yuki-kun? Perhaps one that's making you act strangely."  
  
"Speaking of bugs," Kyou said distractedly, "I sure am glad that thing was called the Y2K Bug!"  
  
Tohru and Yuki both looked at him in shock. What had he just said?  
  
"Mmm!" Shigure agreed, nodding furiously. "Just think if it had been named the Y2K Giant Man-Eating Crocodile! Whew! Really dodged the bullet there!" He mimicked wiping sweat off his brow.  
  
Kyou nodded in agreement, smiling goofily.  
  
"Shigure-san? Kyou-kun?" Tohru questioned. "What are you two talking about?"  
  
Suddenly their expressions went blank and Shigure said confusedly, "You know...I have no idea."  
  
After a brief pause where they all looked confused, Yuki spoke up. "Perhaps we've all caught the bug? Ano...not the Y2K one. The illness."  
  
"Come to think of it," Kyou agreed, "Tohru said something strange earlier about a sex change operation and competing in the Women's World Cup."  
  
They all thought about this deeply. So deeply, in fact, that they didn't notice Haru enter the house. He quietly made his way up the stairs and into Yuki's room. There he proceeded to shut the curtains, turn off the lights, and quickly undressed. And just for good measure, he threw his clothes out the window.  
  
Downstairs the four people had finished thinking and had come to the conclusion they were all very sick people. Especially after Yuki had suddenly and randomly blurted out, "Wouldn't it be great if scientists discovered tomorrow that the saccharin in sugarless gum doesn't cause cancer after all, but actually makes you smarter?"  
  
Shigure ordered the three teens to go straight to bed while he called Hatori. All three silently made their way up to their rooms and went inside, preparing for a restful night's sleep.  
  
Shigure spoke into the phone after hearing Hatori pick up. "Ha-san!" he said happily. "I have a snake in my pants!"  
  
There was a brief silence from the other end before Hatori's voice drifted out. "....Is it Ayame..?"  
  
Shigure grinned and said emphatically, "NOPE!"  
  
Then there was more silence from Hatori's end as Shigure giggled insanely before click, Hatori hung up.  
  
Shigure paused and suddenly became serious as he mulled over what he had just said. "Yep," he confirmed, "I most certainly have whatever this is." He dialed the number again and as soon as he heard the phone pick up said, "Ha-san, please don't hang up. I didn't mean to sexually harass you. Yuki-kun, Kyou-kun, Tohru-kun and myself are quite ill and are saying and doing things we don't mean to. Could you please come over?"  
  
Suddenly a loud feminine-sounding shriek echoed through the house and Shigure dropped the phone.  
  
Hatori's voice shouted through the dropped phone, "Shigure! Shigure! What's going on!? Shigure!! I'll be right over!"  
  
Shigure raced up the steps toward the continuing shriek. Kyou and Tohru both emerged from their rooms half in their normal clothes and half in their pajamas. The only one missing now was Yuki. They quickly traced the unholy shrieks to Yuki's room and Shigure threw open the door.  
  
They found Yuki cowering in a corner in just his boxers with the blanket from the bed clutched to his chest, shrieking in unabashed fear. Laying calmly on his bed was a butt-naked Haru, smirking pervertedly at the quivering form of Yuki.  
  
"AHHHH!!!" Tohru screamed upon seeing Haru's naked body. "It's Darth Killacing!!" Then she promptly fainted.  
  
None of the males noticed her faint as they were all preoccupied with the situation before them.  
  
"HARU!!" Kyou yelled over Yuki's shrieking. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING NAKED IN YUKI'S BED!?!?"  
  
Haru just grinned and said calmly, "Well, I just thought I'd have some fun with Yuki, that's all."  
  
Yuki suddenly stopped shrieking and jumped up, dropping the blanket to the floor. His eyes blazed angrily and he shouted, "Fun!? FUN!?!? You GROPED me!!"  
  
Haru just grinned wider and purred, "So I did. Don't you wanna finish what we started?"  
  
"NOOO!!!" Yuki shouted. "Now GET DRESSED!!"  
  
Haru shrugged nonchalantly and said, "Can't. Threw my clothes away."  
  
"Then why don't you wear Yuki-kun's clothes." Shigure suggested.  
  
Yuki looked at Shigure in pure shock and gasped, "But if anyone sees him in my clothes...they'll think we...we...we...YOU KNOW!!!"  
  
"So?" Shigure shrugged. "Let them. It's no secret he's in love with you."  
  
Yuki stared at him in astonishment at his suggestion as Haru licked his lips and said, "Oooh, good idea. Though I'd much rather stay right here." He patted the bed beside him and said invitingly, "Don't you want to join me, Yuki."  
  
Yuki blushed in embarrassment and dropped his head, out of energy to yell anymore. He shook his head no, still blushing bright red.  
  
"Suit yourself." Haru replied beginning to pout, then stood and walked over to Yuki's closet. "I don't think any of your clothes will fit me sooo..." He rooted through the closet for a moment before coming up triumphant with Yuki's robe. "I'll just wear this!" he said happily.  
  
Yuki groaned exaggeratedly and said, "Now they'll really think we're lovers. You're NOT wearing that out in public!"  
  
"I'll just call Ha-san and ask him to bring Haru over some clothes." Shigure offered. He paused and looked thoughtful for a moment before saying, "Hmm...that reminds me of something... Wait! Now I remember! Last weekend I burned my hand reading a book of matches too fast!"  
  
The other's looked at him strangely. Haru even paused in dressing...leaving certain things hanging out. "What?" Haru asked.  
  
"Um...wait." Shigure responded, "that's not right. Ummm...OH!"  
  
Suddenly Shigure broke from the others and rushed back downstairs. Before disappearing completely he called back, "Haru! Finish dressing and don't molest Yuki til I get back!"  
  
The others just stared in bewilderment at the minor dust cloud he had left in his wake.  
  
Shigure grabbed up the phone he had previously abandoned and listened to the monotonous drone of the dial tone. "Shimatta." he cursed. "I'll be Ha-san thinks we're dying over here."  
  
At just that moment the front door was ripped open and Hatori rushed inside calling, "Shigure! Where are you!? Who's dying!?"  
  
"I'm in here, Ha-san." Shigure called back.  
  
Hatori rushed into the room just as Kyou, Yuki and Haru dressed in Yuki's robe and nothing else descended the stairs and followed Hatori into the room.  
  
"Calm down, Ha-san." Shigure soothed. "No one's dying. Yuki-kun just had a rude awakening, that's all."  
  
Hatori sighed and asked, "Now that I'm over here, what seems to be the problem."  
  
Shigure explained all that had happened from Tohru's quest for a sex change operation to Yuki's stomach pump to the three youths being arrested and finally to the latest developments with naked Haru.  
  
Taking all of this in stride, while glancing suspiciously at Haru and Yuki, Hatori said, "Well, I'll have to perform a few examinations, but it seems you all appear to be suffering from the same mysterious sickness. Let's just hope it isn't contagious."  
  
As if to prove that was indeed the case, Haru suddenly said, "Some people call me the Space Cowboy." Then he grabbed a broom that was leaning against the wall and began to ride it around the room saying, "Whoosh!! Blast off!"  
  
Yuki grinned, clapped his hands together like a little kid and shouted, "A pterodactyl is eating my hand! Help me, Space Cowboy!" Then he flapped his arms wildly like he was trying to take off and began following Haru around the room crying, "CAW! CAW!! I am a vulture!"  
  
Following suit, Kyou leapt to his feet and cried, "ADULT TOY INSIDE!!" Then he stripped off his pants and began chasing Haru and Yuki chanting, "Give me nickels!!"  
  
Shigure and Hatori exchanged glances as the three teens ran insanely around the room.  
  
"What was that you said about it being contagious, Ha-san?" Shigure asked sarcastically.  
  
Hatori rolled his eyes and said, "Well, I guess I have no choice now but to quarantine this house. No one in or out. Including myself. Acronymphos love to have S.E.X."  
  
Shigure stared at Hatori in bewilderment. "What did you just say?" he asked.  
  
"I said," he repeated slowly as if Shigure were an idiot, "that this house is quarantined. We're all going to stay away from the general population until either we find a cure or it runs it's course."  
  
"No, after that."  
  
Hatori looked confused. "What do you mean?"  
  
Shigure ducked as Yuki flapped by almost beaning him in the head with an arm and said, "You said some long word and then spelled out sex."  
  
"I did not." Hatori replied, but then looked uncertain. "Did I?"  
  
Shigure nodded and Hatori sighed, putting a hand to his head. "It seems I am not immune. I'm afraid this is going to get very ugly, very fast."  
  
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(A/N) Um, hope no one minds if Tohru stays unconscious for a while. I honestly can't think of anything else for her to do. Oh, and this fic is a challenge. Both myself and my little sister, Lady Yuki200, chose random elements to include in a fic and this is the result of mine. (The 'snake in the pants' comment was all mine though! Totally original!^^) And you should definitely read her fic too! It's a oneshot Fruits Basket fic called The Battle to Rescue Officer Smith. Mine was supposed to be a oneshot...but I got carried away. And her fic has the origins of the goat porn...that led to the fearsome creation of Goat Porn Madness. This is my first Fruits Basket fic that I've posted, btw. So far I've limited myself to InuYasha, Yugioh and Yuu Yuu Hakusho. Hope it's okay.  
  
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OMFG!! O_O I actually got reviews!!  
  
Jodea Moondreamer: It's a good anime. You should check it out. Thanks for reviewing...even if I did kinda force you. heh-heh  
  
Silent Angel Dark Knight: Yep!^^ I've been a Fruits Basket addict for about 6 months now! I just never wrote a fic about it. Probably because every serious fic I could think of possibly writing about it was total Haru/Yuki, Shigure/Hatori, Akito/Yuki smut. ^___^ *starry eyed* Gorgeous bishounen who turn into kawaii animals! Just wanna huggle them all...even if they would transform! Just think what a power trip it would be to be able to turn them into animals just by hugging them! LOL Oh! And tell Seto he shouldn't be jealous! You're a Sake Sister now, so there's no stopping you! But a Sake Sister is always loyal to their husband/mate! ^-^ And I don't know when I'll be updating Angel Eyes. I kinda got tired of it. But I'll try to soon.  
  
kireina: Thank you! ^______^ Here's the update and thanks so for reviewing!  
  
ozaki amaya: Yay! Y'know, it's kinda hard for me to do random fics, even if I am a totally random person. My random fics always turn nonrandom, get a plot, and usually go dark. But I refuse to let this one go that way! Randomness shall triumph!! I loved the Cheetos bit too! ^^ Especially since he's a mouse. ^_~ Thanks for reviewing!  
  
Queen of All Chipmunks: OMG!! O_O My little sister and I have been shouting EVIL CHIPMUNKS OF DOOM all day and here I have a review from the Queen of All Chipmunks! *whispers* You don't happen to know a chipmunk by the name of Susan, do you? She's skipped out on Kyou and their Chippin children! lol In my little sister's fic! ANYWAY-- Your evil chipmunk minions are no match for my Mutant Badger Ninjas Elite Special Forces!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!! My plan to rule the world with Badgers and Goat Porn is going perfectly!!! ^__________^ Thanks for reviewing! 


	3. Chapter Tree!

Title: Goat Porn Madness  
  
Author: Mistress Nika  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Disclaimer: I own the dreaded disease, Goat Porn Madness. Unfortunately, I don't own Fruits Basket. I'm just using them as my guinea pigs for a while.  
  
Summary: The Sohma family + Tohru catches a previously unknown disease that makes them act in strange, random ways. Will the family ever be the same again?  
  
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Last Time  
  
Shigure nodded and Hatori sighed, putting a hand to his head. "It seems I am not immune. I'm afraid this is going to get very ugly, very fast."  
  
This Chapter  
  
Shigure suddenly got a lustful look in his eye, slid closer to Hatori and purred into his ear, "I'm not wearing any underwear."  
  
"You never wear underwear." Hatori countered without thinking, then his eyes widened as realization hit him and he blushed slightly.  
  
Shigure grinned like a maniac and said, "Oh? Ha-san's been looking?" And he slid even closer so his body brushed against Hatori's.  
  
Hatori quickly composed himself and said simply, "I have not."  
  
Shigure giggled like the schools girls he was so fond of and said, "Ha-san's lying."  
  
"I am not." Hatori countered.  
  
"Are too."  
  
"Am not."  
  
"Are too."  
  
"Not."  
  
"Too."  
  
"Not."  
  
"Too."  
  
"Not."  
  
"Too."  
  
"Not."  
  
"AHHH!!!" Shigure screamed in terror, interrupting their childish squabble. He leapt into Hatori's lap, his arms going around the dragon's neck with a vice-like grip.  
  
Kyou had taken up a pair of scissors and just started to chase the two boys with a cry of, "I gotch yer pot a gold right here!", when he had tripped over the table and feel toward the two bickering men, scissors outstretched.  
  
"Evil hackers from Serbia!" Shigure screamed as Kyou landed on the floor right where he had been sitting, stabbing the scissors firmly into the floor.  
  
Shigure hid his head in Hatori's chest and sobbed, "He tried to take my monkey love!"  
  
Hatori just rolled his eyes and patted Shigure on the head. "There, there." he said comfortingly, "Your...monkey love...is safe."  
  
Shigure nodded and continued to soak the other man's shirt with his tears.  
  
Kyou lay on his stomach and blinked a few times, then stared at the scissors in the floor. Finally he sat up and looked at the scene around him. Haru was still riding the broom and making spaceship noises, Yuki's robe flapping out behind him and just barely covering his body. Yuki still chased after him crying for "Space Cowboy" to save him and sounding very much like the damsel in distress. Kyou glanced to his side to find Shigure in Hatori's lap quietly sobbing as Hatori rubbed soothing circles on his back trying to stop his tears.  
  
'What the hell..?' Kyou thought before shaking his head to clear it. Then he calmly stood up, turned on the t.v. and began watching cartoons. Tom and Jerry was on and he squealed with joy. ^^  
  
Shigure suddenly stopped crying and Hatori could hear him stifle a giggle before he said in a low voice, "My, Ha-san. Is that a leprechaun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"  
  
Hatori was compelled to roll his eyes again. 'How long until I start acting like them?' he thought in dismay. Though for some reason he was in no hurry to remove Shigure from his lap. He just attributed it to the strange illness that was plaguing their noble family and left it at that.  
  
Suddenly a newscast interrupted Kyou's cartoons and Hatori turned his attention to it.  
  
"We apologize for interrupting your regularly scheduled programing," the woman behind the desk said, "but we have some late breaking news that has all the country in an uproar. Since early this morning reports have been coming in by the hundreds of strange behavior from previously normal people. The medical community has commented on the situation and says that the incidents are caused from a previously unknown disease called Goat Porn Madness. Yes, you heard correctly. Goat Porn Madness. Here I have with me in the studio Doctor Friedrich Swartz, a leading expert on the new epidemic. Doctor?"  
  
A wiry looking man with large glasses and wild, snowy white hair spoke with a heavy accent. "Yes, well." he began, clearing his throat. "It seems this disease is entirely man-made. It was developed in a lab by an unknown person and then forced upon an unwitting victim who was then set free with no knowledge of the sickness they carried. It lasts up to a week depending on how quickly a person progresses through the stages and will eventually be expelled from the person's body as large bouts of uncontrollable gas.  
  
"I will now describe the symptoms and stages one is expected to go through. It can be contracted in two ways, either by touch with an infected person or through breathing the air around them. This causes the Madness to be extremely contagious. The patient will go through several stages before finally riding themselves of it.  
  
"Stage one starts with the patient saying short sentences that are entirely random. After they have said them they will be confused and not understand their actions. At this stage it is still treatable and everyone is strongly urged to go to their nearest medical center upon discovery of such a symptom. After a patient goes into step two the disease becomes untreatable. Stage two consists of more random outbursts and can be accompanied by actions complimenting their words. Usually the outburst phases of step two will be longer than in stage one, but still relatively short. It is here that most realize something is wrong.  
  
"Stage three is more advanced and patients in this stage are often mistaken as being insane. It consists of prolonged phases of random instability and often the patient is found to be expressing subconscious opinions and desires which are normally repressed by their conscious mind. However, it is often hard to distinguish between a random statement and a true one that they simply could not control.   
  
"In stage four the instability can last for days at a time and is often accompanied by an insatiable hunger for peanut butter. We don't know why they crave this certain food item, but it is known they prefer the smooth kind to the chunky.  
  
"In the few cases we have seen of stage five the patient experiences complete prolonged mental and emotional instability. In this stage the only thing one can do is restrain them, lock them in a room completely isolated from others, and ignore any impassioned declarations one will most certainly hear. It is unknown at this time what will come after stage five, but research shows that this stage will not be the last."  
  
As the doctor finished the woman said, "Thank you, Doctor Swartz." Then she turned back to the camera. "Officials say that anyone who experiences symptoms of this disease should either immediately seek medical aid or confine themselves to their homes. For those who are not yet affected there is a vaccine which will prevent infection. It, along with the stage one cure, is being dispensed free to the public at all medical centers and places of government employment. Everyone is urged to take all necessary precautions to avoid contraction of this strange new sickness. That is all the information we have at this time. We'll keep you posted on any new developments as they happen. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming."  
  
Hatori suddenly leapt to his feet, dumping a now sleeping Shigure on the floor in his haste. "There's a cure for me!" he cried happily. "If I get there quick enough." He glanced at the other occupants of the room with a depressed expression. Haru had dropped his broom, and apparently his title of Space Cowboy, and was now glomping Yuki...who didn't seem to mind very much. Yuki was glomping Haru back and singing I'm a Little Teapot at the top of his lungs. "Those two are most defiantly at stage three." he quickly decided.  
  
Hatori's gaze turned to Kyou who suddenly cried, "Run, Sacred Squeaky Mouse! Run! Don't let the baka neko get you!"  
  
Hatori sighed. "Stage three." he groaned. Looking down at the snoozing Shigure he thought aloud, "He's probably at stage two, but he'll be going into stage three anytime now. And then, stage four. ......I need to stock up on peanut butter....and handcuffs."  
  
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(A/N) How often do you hear Hatori say, in all seriousness, he needs to stock up on peanut butter and handcuffs? Never would be my guess! Hope you liked the St. Patrick's Day references! I've got more, but they'll have to wait a chapter. Hopefully I'll get it out tomorrow! ^^  
  
How often do you find a fic where the characters act randomly but the fic has a nonrandom plot and there's no booze or illegal drugs involved? Lol Oh! And would you mind telling me your favorite line from each chapter in your reviews!? I kinda wanna know which ones are the best! ^_^ Thanks!  
  
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Even MORE reviews!! O__O  
  
machoupitchounette: O_O No! Not crazy fish-hallucinating Kyou!! I'm updating! I'm updating! ....wait.... Send him on anyway! I think I can tame him! ^_~ Glad you think it's so funny! Arigatou!  
  
CrazyInsaneAnimeFanGirl: Oh don't worry. I have plans for the others too! Heh-heh-heh. And a certain member of the Sohma family is gonna make a rather embarrasing appearance on television. *grins maniacally* And as for Uo and Hana? Ever wanted to see Hana go crazy and start randomly shocking people? ^____^ Or maybe Uo go on a lead-pipe rampage? Me too! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!! ...I've said too much. Now I must kill you. (pulls out her Spork of Doom)  
  
NCAnime99: Oh! Catnip! I hadn't thought of that! (writes down idea before she forgets it) ....dead bird..? O.o That is a little creepy...even for me. ....O.O..... Kyou=cat! Akito..........BIRD!!!! Kyou must get free from Hatori's ever-watchful eye and go visit the main house!!! LMAO!!!  
  
Cherry in a Tree: I'm glad you like it so much!! Ummm...as you can see I'm a yaoi fangirl and the idea of Tohru lovin' up on all the lovely bishys makes me a little queasy. Not a Tohru hater! In fact, some of my favorite fics have her paired with Shigure or Akito...or Haru...or Yuki...or Hatori... (continues listing various people, not stopping when she reaches Hana and Uo) But anyway! I do have some ideas for her now, so she'll be coming around sometime next chapter. And uh...my mind is one of unabashed hentai...as you can probably tell somewhat by this chapter. So whatever ideas you have, no matter how perverted, I most certainly wanna hear them!! ^__^  
  
Queen of All Chipmunks: I'm glad you read my sister's fic! She was so happy! Especially that we've found Susan! Kyou says he demands child support, btw. But ignoring him! ^^ Tell Susan her dead chippin child had a full life of love from both his father and his adopted mother. He may have died young, but he died happy. ^_~ Shigure is still wondering how he broke into his goat porn safe...and all the doctors are stumped on how goat porn could make one so young asphyxiate. But...oh well! I changed Yuki's, my sister not the bish, account settings so now she accepts annonymous reviews. Go review, it'd make her day. ^^ Seriously! Oh, and if you wanna we can become partners in the goat porn scheme and take over the world more quickly. You can have half when we conquer it. Just not the half with Ireland or Japan in it. ^__^ And...MY MUTANT NINJA ATTACK BADGER ELITE FORCES HAVE JOINED FORCES WITH THE GIANT FLYING MARSHMALLOWS AND WILL NEVER BE BEATEN!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  
  
Duo's lil neko: I'm glad you think so! (=^-^=)  
  
kireina: Thanks for reading her fic! My sister's that is. She was so happy someone actually read her fic and liked it other than her two sisters! It's her first and she really didn't want to post it. I'm glad I coaxed her into doing it! ^^ Well, more like I pryed it from her hands after she had finished writing, read it while she was trying to get it back from me, then burst out laughing, said "I'm posting this on ff.net!", ran to my room, typed it up and did just that while she was banging on my door! LOL But she eventually gave in...well, okay, she doesn't touch my comp w/out my permission and hers won't go on ff.net. ^_^ But she's come around now that she heard someone likes it! *ahem!* Now that I've said that...Tohru's not one of my favorite characters either. I don't really hate her, but she's...not my favorite. -_- But I've got some ideas for her sooo...she'll be back to consciousness soon. And... heh-heh, the main house is not immune! BWAHAHAHA!!!! Just remember the phrase "Akito in a dress throwing cabage!" *laughs maniacally as lightning crashes in the background* 


	4. MiniChappie Fort Gopher!

Title: Goat Porn Madness  
  
Author: Mistress Nika  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Disclaimer: I own the dreaded disease, Goat Porn Madness. Unfortunately, I don't own Fruits Basket. I'm just using them as my guinea pigs for a while. ...and also unfortunately...it seems I somehow managed to catch it from a certain silver-haired Sohma that'll be making his debut next chapter. -_- Yeah, but appearantly it's different for fangirls. It makes us totally stop caring about anything. I first discovered I had contracted it when I was supposed to be writing, but instead was chasing my cousin around with a plastic roach shouting, "Come back! Squeaky wants a kiss!! Chu! Chu! Chu!!" (Yeah... -_- I'm 20, believe it or not. Kinda pathetic, ne?) But boy was it funny to watch him scream like a girl! LMAO!!! (he's 16, with a scream higher and louder than any fangirl could ever hope to achieve!) -_- I'm done now. Just thought you'd like to know that. (Blame it on the Madness)  
  
Summary: The Sohma family + Tohru catches a previously unknown disease that makes them act in strange, random ways. Will the family ever be the same again?  
  
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Last Chapter:  
  
Hatori's gaze turned to Kyou who suddenly cried, "Run, Sacred Squeaky Mouse! Run! Don't let the baka neko get you!"  
  
Hatori sighed. "Stage three." he groaned. Looking down at the snoozing Shigure he thought aloud, "He's probably at stage two, but he'll be going into stage three anytime now. And then, stage four. ......I need to stock up on peanut butter....and handcuffs."  
  
This Chapter:  
  
Hatori quickly pondered over his options. He didn't think he could chance leaving his cousins alone in their present condition, but he had to get the cure before it was too late for him. With his decision made, he reached down and grabbed Shigure by the colar of his robe. He then proceeded to drag the sleeping dog out the room and into the bathroom. (stupid man...haven't you heard the expression 'let sleeping dogs lie?' ^^)  
  
Just as he was about to shut and lock the door Shigure opened his eyes and leapt to his feet. He just stood there looking very confused and Hatori wondered if perhaps he was temporarily sane again.  
  
"Shigure?" he asked cautiously, standing at the door ready to slam it if need be.  
  
"Ha-san?" Shigure replied, looking at the dragon in confusion. "Why am I in the bathroom? Last I remember was falling asleep in your lap."  
  
Hatori blushed again but hid it quickly. "You mean you were in your right mind then?" he asked.  
  
Shigure just nodded and continued to look confused. "Everything's kinda blury. I remember Kyou-kun with the scissors and then I remember being in your lap and falling asleep. I also remember hearing that television broadcast about the Goat Porn Madness." He looked at Hatori and said suddenly serious, "We've all got it, ne?"  
  
Hatori nodded and Shigure continued, "Well you better go and get that cure before you go crazy like us! I'm okay now so I'll stay here and watch Kyou-kun, Yuki-kun, Haru-kun and Tohru-kun." Suddenly Shigure remembered something. "Tohru-kun! She fainted earlier and we just left her in the hall!"  
  
Hatori turned around to go fetch Tohru before he left, but called back over his shoulder, "Shigure, remind me to ask you how much of what you said and did was because of the Madness when I get back."  
  
"Everything but the leprechaun in your pocket!" Shigure said happily.  
  
Hatori spun around to find the dog grinning at him and he narrowed his eyes slightly. "Shigure," he asked carefully, "Are you coming on to me?"  
  
Shigure continued grinning and just said, "Yep!"  
  
"I think the Madness is back."  
  
"Nope!" Shigure said enthusiastically.  
  
Hatori groaned and rolled his eyes. (A/N= I so cannot see Ha-san rolling his eyes O_o) Then he turned away and began walking toward the stairs. "Shigure, I'm trusting you to remain sane and watch over the others. I'll check on Tohru-kun and put her in her bed, then I'm going out."  
  
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(A/N) Ano...don't consider this a chapter. Consider it a ... mini-chapter! See, I actually have a good excuse for not updating this time! (readers look on in disbelief; ready volleys of rotten veggies) *waves hands in front of her face* No! No! Really! My sister was in the hospital for a month to have a malignant cyst removed from her arm. We were afraid it was going to spread rapidly and kill her. But it didn't. They removed it and she stayed with us for about a week and a half while she recovered. So all my time was spent with her. Gomen ne, I'll get back to work on ALL my fics right away!! *dashes off to write more - then comes back for a final note* Oh! This little bit was just to let you know I was still alive and hadn't abandoned it! Ja ne! *dashes off again*  
  
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Reviews are eating my popcorn!! O_o (Haru says "Moooo." ^^)  
  
matchoupitchounette: Oh, I had considered that some might wonder what stage Tohru's in, but I really didn't want to wake her up yet. Wanted to give the boys some "alone time." ^_~ But we'll find out either next chaper or the one after it. LOL I think it's fun to make people disrupt class laughing at my fics! ^^ It means I've succeeded! *bounces happily*  
  
NCAnime99: Yeah, it takes a lot to freak me out, but it's possible. Birdy died..? ;_; WAAAHHH!!! *begins sobbing* I wike de birdy!! *gets evil look* Okay, so I'm gonna end up killing the birdy too. So what!? Not like they're endangered! *imagines Akito's reaction when he finds the bird torn to pieces* BWAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
Queen of All Chipmunks: MY BADGERS SUFFERED A MAJOR SETBACK DUE TO A TRAITOR AMONGST THE MARSHMALLOWS AND HAVE FALLEN BACK TO THE INNER WALL TO REGROUP! Heh, I liked those lines too! ^__^ Okay, we can split Japan...but I get Nagasaki! ^^ *gets dreamy look* Oh, Tsuzuki-chan! *starry background pops up* I'd make trouble to meet you ANY day! *looks throughtful* Hmm...wonder if Muraki needs an evil accomplice..?  
  
-Kyou says it doesn't matter anyway. He doesn't need child support 'cause they're both grown. Then he got teary eyes and had to excuse himself. Later I found him crying on Yuki's shoulder while Yuki held a photo of Jake.  
  
kireina: Yay! You liked it! You really liked it! *grabs her desk lamp and fake cries* I'd just like to take this moment to thank everyone who got me this far! You mean the world to me! *Akito suddenly runs by in a dress with a head of cabbage in one hand and a t.v. crew chasing after him* [Akito: *crazy laughter* HAHAHA! Run, run, run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me! I'm the CABBAGE Man!! HAHAHA!!! *pelts kiereina with the cabbage* [Nika: O.O..........O_o............  
  
CrazyInsaneAnimeFanGirl: Oh yes! I've taken those two ideas and run with them! BWAHAHAHA!!!!! *drops ideas and trips over them* O_o  
  
random viewer: O_o wow...so you're....random? ^^ I'm glad you like my fic and thanks so for telling me your favorite lines!! Makes me soooo happy!!! ^___^ And I've noticed the lack of Kyou-randomness. I'll try to make it better! Personally, I like Haru... ^_~ [Alice (my yami): She's got a thing for the whole j-rocker look. [Nika: *gets crazy look* Kitty.... @_@ *pets a statue of a lizard obsessively* @__@ [Alice: -_-  
  
The Rook of the Graveyard: LOL!!! I'm glad it's so funny it made you choke on your coke! ^___^ *hands over another root beer* Here you go! To make up for the one I made you choke on. *then hands over a Kyou plushie* Look! He talks! *pulls his string* [Kyou plushie: WHAT are you DOING!?!? [Nika: Uhhh...maybe I should try again. *pulls it again* [plushie: GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!!! [Nika: ....umm...once more... *pulls again* [plushie: GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME, YOU FREAK!!! [Nika: O_o  
  
Duo's lil neko: Heh-heh, YEP!! Aya-chan will be appearing next chappie!! He's my second favorite too. ^_~ Who's your first? Mine's a tie between Hatori and Haru. ^^  
  
kitty-kyo: *glares* Hey, now. No one makes fun of ojiisama! He's all MAN baby!! ^____^ But that is a rather funny idea. "Princess Yuki!" LMAO!! Oh, no. Sorry. Kyon-kyon wasn't pantless. He was wearing pajama pants. *rubs back of head* Heh, I kinda forget to say what they're wearing. But YUKI is!! *hentai grin* Yep, all that gorgeous prince was wearing was a pair of boxers! *drifts off into unsavory thoughts* Oh! Sorry! I've got way too many partners in the 'take over the world' scheme. As it stands, I'm gonna have to 'terminate' a few of them. *glances deviously over at Queen of All Chipmunks* What!? You thought I'd kill my sister!? Jodea-chan is safe! o_o But I might be willing to give you Hawaii if you'd contribute two dozen fuzzy pink lemons! ^^ Can't tell you what they're for! It's classified! *huge grin*  
  
blue fox demon: LOL, yeah. sounds like loads of fun to have, until you get it! Well, it IS rather fun to HAVE. It's just the bits where you're sane that make it not so fun anymore. LOL ^^  
  
leechy: YAY!! So glad you like it!! *glomps leechy*  
  
unknown: "unknown"? You don't know who you are? O_o Do you need me to help you? Well, no mater! ^^ Glad you like my fic so much!! ^___^ 


	5. Chapter Fe Fi Fo Fum!

Title: Goat Porn Madness  
  
Author: Mistress Nika  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the series...just kidnapped a certain person, forced the Madness on him and set him loose to watch him wreak his havoc. ^^  
  
Summary: The Sohma family + Tohru catches a previously unknown disease that makes them act in strange, random ways. Will the family ever be the same again?  
  
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Last Time:  
  
Hatori spun around to find the dog grinning at him and he narrowed his eyes slightly. "Shigure," he asked carefully, "Are you coming on to me?"  
  
Shigure continued grinning and just said, "Yep!"  
  
"I think the Madness is back."  
  
"Nope!" Shigure said enthusiastically.  
  
Hatori groaned and rolled his eyes. Then he turned away and began walking toward the stairs. "Shigure, I'm trusting you to remain sane and watch over the others. I'll check on Tohru-kun and put her in her bed, then I'm going out."  
  
This Time:  
  
Hatori sighed as he walked up to the door to Shigure's house. "How humiliating." he mumbled. Not only had he not obtained the cure, he had also managed to make an utter fool of himself. He was certain his little performance would make the evening news.  
  
Before he could pull the door open, it was suddenly ripped out of his hand as it was opened from the inside. Shigure greeted him with a broom handle pointed at his chest and a psychotic expression. "Eat hot lead, evil vacumn cleaner salesman!" Shigure shouted and then pretended to shoot him.  
  
Hatori just sighed again. It seemed he was doing a lot of that, but he guessed he had good reason. If it weren't for his damned doctor's instincts that made him want to take care of everyone, he would have locked himself in his room and not come out until he was normal again.  
  
"Oh, Ha-san!" Shigure suddenly exclaimed, dropping the broom. "It's you!" His psychotic expression was replaced with a huge grin and he threw himself at his friend. "HUG ME!!"  
  
Hatori didn't have time to react as he was suddenly plowed to the ground and glomped by his insane cousin. His eyes widened in shock and all he could do was lay there as Shigure squeezed until he thought his ribs were gonna crack. Then, just as unexpectedly as the attack had begun, it stopped. Shigure grew still and Hatori felt his grip loosen.   
  
Then Shigure's uncertain voice whispered, "Ha-san?"  
  
Hatori replied back, "Yes, Shigure?"  
  
There was another extremely uncomfortable pause before Shigure said, barely audible, "Why are we on the ground? And...why am I on...top of you?"  
  
Hatori felt a blush rise unbidden to his cheeks and was about to explain, but at that moment Kyou's voice sounded, rather sanely, from just inside the house. "Oi, inu!" he said as he came closer to the door. "Leave Hatori alone and go eat your marshmallows!"  
  
And then...he emerged from the house. And his eyes widened as he took in the scene before him. "A...ano..." he began, "Eto....tell me you two are so far gone you have no idea what you're doing...onegai?"  
  
Hatori quickly shoved Shigure off him and rose to his feet with a look of supreme embarrasment. Shigure however sat dazed on the ground for a minute before shouting, "Oh marshmallows!!" And then he leapt to his feet and dashed away into the house.  
  
Kyou blinked at the blur that flew by him and then looked back at Hatori, hoping for an explaination.  
  
Hatori scratched a non-existant itch on his nose and then stared the neko down. "You will never...never mention this again." he demanded cooly. Kyou shook his head frantically, not wanting to test the embarrased dragon's temper, and then Hatori decided a change of subject would be good. "What has happened since I was gone?" he asked flatly.  
  
Kyou still looked a little shocked at what he had just seen, but answered, "I came to my senses just after you left and found Shigure raiding the kitchen and..." he paused here to shudder "...Yuki and Haru hugging each other, oblivious to anything around them. I went to check on Tohru, she's still asleep by the way, and when I came back...Yuki and Haru were gone."  
  
"What!?" Hatori demanded. "You lost them!?"  
  
Kyou nodded. "I'm afraid so." he replied. "I have absolutely no idea where they are."  
  
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(A/N) Heh, sorry no updates for a while and sorry this is so short and crappy. But, AGAIN, I have an excuse!! (readers prepare veggie volley again) *glares at them in such an evil way they put the veggies away and begin to cower* I am in sooo much pain right now! I had to have emergency surgery and now I have no pain medicine because they gave me the wrong thing. They gave me hydrocodone, which I am deathly allergic to. I didn't realize it because I was just waking up when they handed it off to me. I was taking it for like a day and a half and just assumed the reason I was so sickly was because of the pain. Well, I was asleep for a couple hours after my medicine wore off and my head cleared a little. I looked at the label and realized I had basically been poisoning myself for two days. Now, I have no pain medicine to take. And tylonol just doesn't touch this kind of pain. I'd still be asleep, if I weren't in so much pain! *sigh* But I can't sleep...so I'm writing.....poorly. -_-  
  
(Another A/N) At this point I feel I must say, anyone who doesn't like shounen-ai can kiss my white ass and call it gravy for all I care. I'm pairing guys with guys and, as pain turns me into a major bitch, I couldn't give a damn who likes it and who doesn't. Deal or leave! (that said, please don't blame me when I return to my normal state. I'm not responsible for my actions right now. ;_; )  
  
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Reviews are cowering in fear right now. Seems I kicked one harder than I should have. They'll return next chapter...hopefully. 


	6. Chapter Sail Away!

Title: Goat Porn Madness  
  
Author: Mistress Nika (InuNekoMiko@aol.com)  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Pairings: none really considering this isn't a serious fic, but I suppose you can look for Hatori/Shigure, Yuki/Haru, and maybe some Hatori/Ayame/Shigure too ^^ who knows? I'm also a fan of Shigure/Akito, Akito/Hatori, Akito/Tohru, Shigure/Tohru, Haru/Kyou, and Yuki/Kyou... so basically whatever pairings I feel like throwing in! MWAHAHAHA!!!!! FEAR ME AND MY TOTALLY HENTAI, SADISTIC, YAOI LOVING MIND!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!  
  
Warnings: shounen-ai, randomness...total randomness, unwarrented abuse of marshmallows and other food items, sexual inuedo...everywhere -_- (maybe some other stuff)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the series...just kidnapped a certain person, forced the Madness on him and set him loose to watch him wreak his havoc. ^^  
  
Summary: The Sohma family + Tohru catches a previously unknown disease that makes them act in strange, random ways.  
  
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~~Last Time~~  
  
"What!?" Hatori demanded. "You lost them!?"  
  
Kyou nodded. "I'm afraid so." he replied. "I have absolutely no idea where they are."  
  
~~This Time~~  
  
Hatori was now beginning to panic...deep down of course. There was no limit to the chaos the two boys could cause should they be allowed to mix with the general public. He could just imagine trying to explain why the two members of the Sohma family turned into animals on live t.v.  
  
A creaking branch above him caught his attention and he whipped his head around just in time to catch a glimpse of a light purple robe, flapping in the breeze, before it disapeared into the shadows of the limbs. Only one person that could be.  
  
"Hatsuharu!" he said sternly, "Come down from there this instant."  
  
Leaves rustled sinisterly in answer.  
  
Kyou was getting a little nervous. Why exactly was Haru in a tree? And where was Yuki?  
  
The branches of another nearby tree rustled and before they could react a black, white and purple blur had launched himself out of the tree with a cry of, "Space Cowboy to the rescue!!"  
  
Hatori dodged the cow's attack, sending him flying into Kyou and knocking him to the ground, causing them both to tumble several feet.  
  
Kyou shrieked like a little girl and screamed in terror, "COWS EAT BABIES!!!" Then he lept to his feet, away from Haru, and fled into the woods.  
  
Haru was right behind him as he called in a sing-song voice, "Who ate the cat!? HARU ate the cat!!"  
  
As the two disappeared into the trees Hatori groaned. "That's it!" he exclaimed throwing up his hands in exasperation. "I'm joining the Village People and moving to Iceland!" Then he sweatdropped realizing what he had said.  
  
He was about to follow after the two and try to stop them before they reached civilization, but at that exact moment Tohru's terrified screech echoed throughout the house. Shigure emerged two seconds later with giant pink marshmallows in each hand and several stuffed in his mouth looking extremely startled.  
  
Gooey marshmallows fell out of his mouth as he asked, "Ha-san? Did you just scream?"  
  
Hatori pushed past Shigure on his way to Tohru's room. He choose to ignore the fact that his cousin had appearantly mistaken a very feminine sound as one he made. He barely had time to dodge the young female who came barreling down the stairs in a frightened rush.  
  
Tohru ran past Hatori, who had flattened himself against the wall, and out the front door. "Two hundred naked bikers are climbing in my window!" she shrieked and promptly ran smack into a stunned Shigure.  
  
*POOF!*  
  
She tripped over a now vacant sleeve and collapsed on top of a black dog with pink goo on it's mouth. Sitting up she took one look at the transformed marshmallow-munching Shigure and screamed, "AAAHHHH!!!!! Rabid Venezuelan Monkeys!!!!!" Then she jumped to her feet, screamed again and fled back into the house.  
  
And the postman chose that exact moment to deliver the newspaper. Hatori ignored the seemingly rabid dog, the robe laying on the ground, the fact that Haru, Yuki AND Kyou were on the loose somewhere and that Tohru was probably huddling terrified under a desk hiding from the invisible naked bikers and the rabid venezuelan monkeys.  
  
He walked calmly over to the man and accepted the paper, while getting strange looks from him.  
  
Something touched his leg, but he ignored that too. Until the postman looked down at said leg, then back up at him with a look of confusion.  
  
"Is your dog gay?" he asked cautiously.  
  
Hatori glanced down stoically at the black dog doing unspeakable things to his leg. He then stared the man down as if daring him to say something else and said simply, "Apparently."  
  
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(A/N) Hewwo! I'm back! ^___^  
  
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Thanks to; blue fox demon, NCAnime99, Kyou's babe, jaded image, A Reader, lilhillbillie, Silent Angel, hatsuharolover, Queen of All Chipmunks, kireina, CrazyInsaneAnimeFanGirl, Pax Romona, Duo's lil neko, Catzi, The-Great-Monk-Grl, Inga, Crimson Cloaked Figure, Hakudoshi-chan, Haru's Girl, Wizardess Gal, Kyou's babe, thedarksquiggle, kitty-kyo, kama  
  
A Reader: HAHAHA!! True! The Sohma family IS the only one where you can say "I've got a snake in my pants" and they'd expect a litteral explaination! LOL  
  
lilhillbillie: *insane grin* oh yes...peanut butter! ^^ You would so love Fruits Basket! ^^ LOL (hands her a Bakura plushie) Just pop him into your Bishy Cloner and hit "Animate"! He'll come out alive and hentai! ^^  
  
Queen of All Chipmunks: LOL Ha-san is DEFINATELY gonna lose it! BWAHAHAHA!!!!! See!? It's starting! The insanity always starts with the Village People! HAHAHAHA!!! (sneaks up behind her with a spork) Shhh! The grapes are listening!!  
  
kireina: Oh! Both Akito and Aya are coming in next chapter! ^^ AND Momiji!! ^__^ What's up with Shi-chan? Simple! He's got the hots for Ha'ri and insane with the Madness! MWAHAHAHA!!! (pets her Akitty plushie with an evil grin and mad cackle) (suddenly gets serious) You're never gonna belive this, but I was working on the scene where Akito's birdy bites the dust, then I went to the store to buy MY birdy some food.....came back and he was DEAD!!! O_O Seriously!! Sprawled out over the bottom of the cage! DEAD!!! O__O [from chappie five review= YAY!! I'm sooo glad you like Shi-chan hitting on Ha-chan! (O_o wait...that was my bird's name! *sobs* HA-CHAN!! COME BACK!!! WAAAAHHHH!!!!) Heh, I'm thinking of ending the fic with everyone seeing a news report with Hatori and Akito making fools of themselves on it. ^^ Might bring it in earlier though. ^^ But next chapter is gonna be chaos in the city, so they won't be back in front of the t.v. for a while! ^^  
  
Duo's lil neko: I know! Kisa's so adorable! But I always tend to gravitate toward the bishys. ^_~ (glomps Akito) Like the dark, tortured, evil ones best! ^^ Aya-chan's up next chappie! ^^  
  
Catzi: Oh! I love those quotes! I've got the perfect scene for Yuki to say "Here I come to save the day!" in!! ^^ THANKS!! ^^  
  
Hakudoshi-chan: Yeeeeessss, I DO know onegai means please... Why did you ask that? I suppose if I have Tohru come downstairs one morning and say ohayou gozaimasu you're gonna ask if I know that means good morning..? I don't use words I don't know...because that's stupid. You seem to think I used onegai wrong...why? He was begging that Hatori tell him it was true. Y'know? The translation would be; "Uh...uhh..." he began, "Umm....tell me you two are so far gone you have no idea what you're doing...please?" Indicating he's a bit uncomfortable. Well, thanks for the review and liking my fic.  
  
Haru's Girl: Oh! I like that song! *sings along* Haru and Yuki, sitting in a tree! F-U-C-K-I-N-G!!! First comes fingers, then comes--- (is silenced by Hatori's hand over her mouth)  
  
Hatori: *glare* Don't corrupt the minors.  
  
Nika: *licks Hatori's hand*  
  
Hatori: O_O (doesn't remove his hand)  
  
Nika: . (thinks hard / glomps and poofs him) ^__^  
  
Hatori: O_o -meep- (cute little sound he makes)  
  
Nika: ^^ Oh, cookies! (grabs cookies and munches) The Madness is such a FUN disease! And you can blame it for everything! ^^  
  
kama: Oh! Thanks so for reviewing! I actually, truly FORGOT about this fic! Seriously! That happens when I'm working on seven at a time! LOL Thanks so for reminding me to work on this one! This chappie's for you! ^^ 


	7. Chapter Who Says Insanity is Suffering!

**Title:** Goat Porn Madness  
**Author:** Mistress Nika (InuNekoMikoaol.com)  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Pairings:** none really considering this isn't a serious fic, but I suppose you can look for Hatori/Shigure, Yuki/Haru, and maybe some Hatori/Ayame/Shigure too who knows? I'm also a fan of Shigure/Akito, Akito/Hatori, Akito/Tohru, Shigure/Tohru, Haru/Kyou, and Yuki/Kyou... so basically whatever pairings I feel like throwing in! MWAHAHAHA!!!!! FEAR ME AND MY TOTALLY HENTAI, SADISTIC, YAOI LOVING MIND!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!  
**Warnings:** shounen-ai; randomness...total randomness; unwarrented abuse of marshmallows, cabbage and other food items; sexual inuedo...everywhere -- (maybe some other stuff)  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own the series...just kidnapped a certain person, forced the Madness on him and set him loose to watch him wreak his havoc.   
**Summary:** The Sohma family Tohru catches a previously unknown disease that makes them act in strange, random ways. Will the family ever be the same again?  
  
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**OMG!!!** **O.O** I just realized something!! Ookami Aya reviewed my fic!!! **_OOKAMI AYA REVIEWED MY FIC!!!_** I didn't realize who she was at first!!! It's the all powerful **AYA!!!** Author of _Kouga Fangirls UNITE!_ I don't know if you're still reading...but...** I WORSHIP YOU**!!! I love your fics and I wish I wasn't so completely out of it when you reviewed to realize it's **YOU!!!** I feel so unworthy!!! **O.O**  
  
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Shigure, after transforming back and appologizing for molesting Hatori, redressed himself with a look of shame no one ever thought to see on his face.  
  
Hatori was pointedly not looking at him. After several moments of uncomfortable silence, Hatori cleared his throat and suggested they both check on Tohru and then go search for the three wayward teens.  
  
Journeying inside, they searched the house over, looking for the missing girl. They finally found her in her room, hiding in the closet. When Shigure opened the door she shrieked in terror and quickly reslammed it on them.  
  
The two men exchanged glances before Shigure called through the door, "Tohru-kun? What's wrong?"  
  
Tohru's voice answered him with a hysterical, "The gophers are trying to eat my brain!"  
  
Shigure stiffled a snicker and looked at Hatori. "Ha-san?" he asked, "Do you think it's safe to leave Tohru-kun alone to go look for the boys?"  
  
Hatori thought for a moment, then replied, "Well, which is safer? Leaving Tohru alone, here, where she can do the least damage? Or staying with her and allowing three mad Juuniishii males to remain at large and wreak their havoc upon Japan?"  
  
Shigure nodded sagely and then called back to the closet door, "Tohru-kun, if you stay in the closet I'm sure the gophers won't get your brain. But if you come out they'll probably pounce on you, drag you off to their secret lair, eat your brain and we'll never see you again. So stay put! Okay?"  
  
"Okay!" Tohru responded happily.  
  
Hatori gave Shigure a look and muttered, "Remind me to find the poor girl a good therapist when this is over." Shigure nodded and Hatori looked him over, as if sizing him up. "Shigure," he began, "Can I take you out and trust you to remain sane until we find Yuki, Haru and Kyou?"  
  
Shigure just giggled and playfully slapped the other man on the shoulder. "Oh, Ha-san!" he giggled, "You can take me out anytime!"  
  
Hatori just narrowed his eyes and asked, "Shigure, are you sane?"  
  
Shigure grinned his trademark grin and said, "Yep! I'm sane, in control of my faculties, and flirting with you!"  
  
"Then stop." Hatori demanded cooly. When Shigure seemed to pout, he ammended his statement. "For now."  
  
Shigure grinned at him and they both set to searching for the three boys. They searched the house and the surrounding area first. No luck. Then they searched the woods. Still no luck. Not even at Yuki's 'secret base' did they find a trace of any of them. So ended up coming to the unhappy conclusion that all three had somehow made their way into the city.  
  
And that's how the two men ended up in possibly the largest city of insane people in the world.  
  
As they searched they tried desperately to stay out of the way of panicing females who may accidentally transform them. People ran everywhere in various stages of insanity. Cars had been flipped. A series of fire hydrants had been opened and were spewing water over the streets. Someone had taken to TPing the entire city. Buildings, trees, cars, even people were covered in the white toliet paper. People ran to and fro for various reasons. News crews were having a field day, documenting the chaos. In addition to the police, the 'men in white coats' were out in force, draging random people off to who knows where. It was anarchy unleashed.  
  
Hatori and Shigure were quickly beginning to despair of ever finding ANYONE in the chaos, when a news crew suddenly ran by excitedly.  
  
"They turned into what!? the woman reporter exclaimed in joy. "Animals, did you say!?"  
  
Her cameraman nodded and both passed the two men by without the slightest glance.  
  
Hatori spared Shigure a quick look before both of them chased after the crew.  
  
They arrived on the scene to find them documenting a fuzzy little bunny who was currently riding on the back of a sheep. The sheep had his back pressed up against the side of a building, looking for a way out and finding none. Beside them was an adorable little girl who looked around with pleading eyes.  
  
Momiji, Hiro and Kisa.  
  
Hiro the sheep focused his glare on the cameraman and looked about to charge when he caught sight of Hatori and Shigure running towards them. It was all both Momiji and Hiro could do not to speak upon seeing them. But letting their unwelcome audience get a TALKING rabbit and sheep on film would have been a very bad thing, and they knew it.  
  
Shigure came up behind the cameraman and quickly plucked the camera out of his hands.  
  
"Hey!" the man shouted, spining around only to find the camera smashed to the ground, the tape spilling everywhere.  
  
"Take care of them." Hatori ordered Shigure, pointing to the three youths.  
  
Shigure didn't reply and went over to the three, leaving Hatori to work his magic.  
  
"Daijoubu?" he asked them.  
  
Kisa nodded silently as Momiji suddenly leapt at him with a cry of, "They were scary! I wanna go home!"  
  
Hiro just sniffed in disdain, but remained silent.  
  
Momiji didn't need any prompting to spill, and began babbling to Shigure about what had happened. "When Akito heard about the Maddness he ordered everyone that was at the main house to come get vacinations for it. So me, Hiro, Kisa, Haru, Kagura, and even Akito came into town. But somewhere along the way we lost Haru and I haven't seen him since. Then Kagura got transformed when some crazy guy ran into her and she's probably still hiding in the closest where we had to leave her. Then we went into the courthouse to get the vaccine. But when we turned around, _AKITO_ was gone! Hiro, Kisa and me went ahead and got the vaccine and then started searching for the others. I saw Kyou run by in just his boxers and his school shirt. Just as I was about to call out to him he screamed like a girl about evil flying cows and ran in the other direction. I don't think he saw me. I was distracted and accidentally ran into a woman and transformed. Then the woman started doing the chicken dance and tripped over me, landing on Hiro. Then she danced off. Kisa grabbed us and tried to run, but then the reporters came. And...and...**I WANNA GO HOME**!!!"  
  
Shigure petted the sobbing rabbit comfortingly. From behind him there was two successive flashes of light and then the sound of two bodies hitting the ground. He didn't bother to turn around.  
  
Hatori came over and knelt down next to them. "I want you three to return to the main house and lock yourselves in my home until I return." he ordered. "It should be safe there. Do you think you can make it?"  
  
Momiji sniffled and nodded, jumping away from Shigure and into Kisa's arms. Hiro glared evily at the adorable bunny, but the effect was ruined as he was cute and fuzzy himself at the moment.  
  
Hatori hated the idea of leaving them alone to make their way home, but he had no choice. He had to find the others. Not only Yuki, Haru and Kyou. But also the great and terrible Sohma Akito. Who knew where he was and what had happened to him? It was Hatori's responsiblity to protect him and while he wouldn't transform like the others, he could still be in danger.  
  
The three youngsters left, keeping as far away from people as they could, and the two men stood up.  
  
"So?" Shigure asked. "What now?"  
  
His question was answered as something wet and slightly mushy hit him in the back of the head. "What the..!?" he cried, spinning around.  
  
Both Shigure and Hatori almost fainted upon laying eyes on the sight before them.  
  
Akito. Sohma Akito. The one who's name could cause the bravest of men to cower in fear. The one whom not even the greatest leaders of the world risked angering ... was wearing a dress. Not just any dress! A short, sleeve-less, pink and yellow polka-dotted one! On his arm he carried a wicker basket, filled to the brim with some greenish colored...things. And in his right hand he held a head of cabbage, dripping with water, probably from one of the opened fire hydrants. On his back was a pink and white girl's backpack in the shape of Hello Kitty. Poking out of said backpack were several roles of toilet paper. On his face was painted a sparkly yellow star surrounded by pink glitter...not to mention the expression that said, "lock me up, throw away the key, and run for your lives!"  
  
"A...Akito...san?" Shigure stuttered upon seeing the man.  
  
Akito's responses was to cackle wildly, throwing his chin skywards, allowing his insane laughter to ring off the surrounding buildings. Birds flew, dogs howled and the previously noisy city became instantly quiet. Akito then slowly lowered his gaze to rest on the two men. Even on his of worst days he had never looked quite so frightening as he did right now.  
  
His eyes were dialated and unblinking. A half smile turned his lips up ever so slightly. And he stared at the two men.  
  
"Akito?" Shigure tried again, and still his crazed expression didn't changed.  
  
"_Ha...to...ri..."_ Akito said haltingly, without moving his mouth. (O.o) "_Shi...gu...re..."_  
  
Both men took a step back simultaneously at the frightening tone he had used.  
  
Slowly Akito raised the hand that was holding the cabbage, extending it out toward the two frightened Juuniishi men. His arm seemed to move independantly of his body as he pointed a finger at them and said, "_Ha...to...ri...Shi...gu...re..."_ Suddenly he raised his arm above his head in a classic Akito move. But instead of bringing that hand down to strike someone he grinned insanely and cried, "**DO NOT DANCE!!!",** then flung the cabbage wildly at Hatori.  
  
The dragon was too stunned to do anything but stand there as the cabbage sailed through the air and smacked him directly in the face. It then fell to the ground with a wet 'PLOP', leaving behind traces of the leafy vegetable on his face and in his hair, the front of which was now dripping wet.  
  
Akito cackled again and grabbed a roll of toilet paper from behind him as if he were reaching for an arrow. His expression suddenly became calm and strangely vacant as he continued looking at them. "Please excuse me," he said softly while cocking his head to the side, "I have to circuit an AC line through my head." Then he cackled again and threw the role of paper high into the sky. As it sailed away from him, he spun around three times, did a little bow and then danced off, still cackling.  
  
Neither Hatori nor Shigure moved for a good ten minutes, trying to digest what had just happened. Their expressions reminded one of the shock of accidentally swallowing a fly.  
  
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(A/N) I intended Akito to seem like he's possessed. Don't know if it came out that way though. I was very close to making his head spin around on his shoulders! ;D I know I said Aya would be in this chapter, but I got sidetracked with Akito! (is very pleased with crazy possessed Akito) I hope it's as funny to read as it is in my head! Next chapter will be Aya-chan! I promise! -- Aya will be wearing women's clothes too...but that's nothing new. -.- I think it's funny that the younger Sohma members are staying sane, while the others are totally losing it. :D  
  
Ne? Ne? So, what's your favorite bits this chapter? :D  
  
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**Thank you to**; lilhillbillie, CrazyInsaneAnimeFanGirl, NC Anime99, LALALALALALA Liz, Silent Angel Dark Night, Queen of All Chipmunks, Orangellama, kireina, Black Karma  
  
**lilhillbillie:** LMAO!!! 'doggy go hump hump' ROFLMAO!!! I loved that! That was so funny! If you want, I can send you my episodes of FB via yahoo. It'd take a while though. -- Yes, yes. I must say, I was never this much fun sane. ;D  
  
**CrazyInsaneAnimeFanGirl:** Did the Akito crazyness live up to your standards? ;p  
  
**Silent:** Rabid Venezuelan Monkeys! I loved that one too! :D What was your favorite line this chappie? I think mine was 'DO NOT DANCE!!!' LOL Thanks so for reading this fic, reviewing it, giving me such interesting ideas and being such a wonderful person! (frolicks off after her Hatori clone, who is naked and fleeing for his life) Ja ne!  
  
**Queen of All Chipmunks:** I'M SO SORRY THERE WAS NO AYA!!! WAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! (sobs Usagi-style tears) (stops/gets crazy possessed Akito look) Grapes are the source of all evil. (shifty eyes) Shhhh!!! The paintbrush of doom is coming! Hide behind the overgrown tomato!!! O.O  
  
**Orangellama:** You can't catch it? O.o Did you take the vaccine? Or are you immune? Should I send over my 'patient zero' to infect you? It's such fun to have! (flaps arms like a penguin) Did you know cows come from egg clouds? O.o No! It's true! They hover over fields and when farmers aren't looking they rain them down! But when the cows evaporate back into the clouds people just blame it on UFOs...  
  
**kireina:** Well, you got Akito and Momiji. I'm saving Aya for next chapter. ;D Happy for now? 


	8. Purple People Eaters! OO

**Title:** Goat Porn Madness  
**Author:** Mistress Nika (nikasama1480yahoo.com)  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Pairings:** none really considering this isn't a serious fic, but I suppose you can look for Hatori/Shigure, Yuki/Haru, and maybe some Hatori/Ayame/Shigure too who knows? I'm also a fan of Shigure/Akito, Akito/Hatori, Akito/Tohru, Shigure/Tohru, Haru/Kyou, and Yuki/Kyou... so basically whatever pairings I feel like throwing in! MWAHAHAHA!!!!! FEAR ME AND MY TOTALLY HENTAI, SADISTIC, YAOI LOVING MIND!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!  
**Warnings:** shounen-ai; randomness...total randomness; unwarranted abuse of marshmallows, cabbage and other food items; sexual innuendo...everywhere; increased chance of fainting due to Ayame in leather pants (drools and shoves Aya under her bed)  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own the series...just kidnapped a certain person, forced the Madness on him and set him loose to watch him wreak his havoc.   
**Summary:** The Sohma family Tohru catches a previously unknown disease that makes them act in strange, random ways. Will the family ever be the same again?  
**  
A/N=** This chapter...uh... paragraph... is dedicated to Ookami Aya, who is not only a great writer and person, but also gave me the idea for Ayame's 'manliness'!! Also to the Queen of All Chipmunks, who has waited patiently for the Aya chapter! And to bluefuzzyelf aka Hakura-chan who is such a great friend and I'm trying to escape death at her hands for neglecting her fic! (sweatdrop)

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Last time:  
_Akito cackled again and grabbed a roll of toilet paper from behind him as if he were reaching for an arrow. His expression suddenly became calm and strangely vacant as he continued looking at them. "Please excuse me," he said softly and cocked his head to the side, "I have to circuit an AC line through my head." Then he cackled again and threw the role of paper high into the sky. As it sailed away from him, he spun around three times, did a little bow and then danced off, still cackling.  
  
Neither Hatori nor Shigure moved for a good ten minutes, trying to digest what had just happened. Their expressions reminded one of the shock of accidentally swallowing a fly._  
  
This time:  
After a good ten minutes the two men slowly looked at each other.  
  
"Sooo..." Shigure began quietly, "read any good books lately?"  
  
Hatori just turned to look in the direction Akito had gone. "Shall I go after him? Or will you?" he asked uncertainly. Truth be told, he was more than slightly afraid to chase after the doubly insane family head.  
  
"I'll go." Shigure said, reading the other man's seemingly expressionless face. "You try to find the others. Once I find Akito, I'll... I don't know. Hog-tie him and drag him back to the main house, I guess."  
  
And with that, the two parted ways. Shigure chased after Akito, noticing the picture spray-painted onto the side of a building as he went. A dancing mouse riding on the end of a broom handle as a cow flew on it with stars in the background. He didn't need to guess to realize Haru had been this way.  
  
Suddenly a deep, rich, manly, sexy, seductive _(reigns herself in as readers start fainting in anticipation)_ voice cried, "**GURE-SAN!!!"**  
  
Without thinking twice, Shigure flung his body around to face the voice and cried, "**AYA!!"**  
  
Then he decided to think twice as he found himself flat on his butt after receiving a blow to the arm in greeting. Looking up, he wasted no time in promptly fainting.  
  
When he once again regained consciousness, he realized his head was resting on something soft. Opening his eyes to look around, he found himself laying on the counter of Ayame's shop. Under his head was a fluffy pillow. Regaining his bearings, he sat up and swung his legs over the side. Upon laying eyes on the site before him, he considered fainting again and hoped it was all just a bad dream. A rather exciting dream, but a bad one nonetheless. Well, bad like naughty. _(stops herself again)_  
  
Ayame stood before him, one fist on his hip and a cocky grin on his face. His long silver hair was braided down his back, exposing as much of his body as possible. Gone was his feminine kimonos and delicate appearance. Instead he wore a see-through black tanktop, a pair of extremely tight black leather pants and combat boots. If anyone had ever questioned his gender before, they were probably kicking themselves now as his pants showcased his wares quite nicely. (_drools a lake)_  
  
"A...AYA!?" Shigure gasped in almost-but-not-quite-perfectly-executed horror. "What **happened** to you!?" he questioned in shock.  
  
Ayame grinned and flexed a well-developed, tempting, _(stops herself before she can start again)_ and previously well-hidden bicep. "What do you mean, Gure-san?" he asked knowingly. "You mean this?" He then proceeded to tug on the pants, causing them to temporarily become even tighter. _(almost faints on her keyboard)_ "Well," he explained, "I was chosen to be on the cover of Playgirl! The elves told me so." He nodded emphatically as Shigure continued to stare. _(author has now fainted and is dreaming naughty dreams about silver-haired bishys; let's not wake her)_

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**A/N**= Well, I didn't want to keep you waiting any longer, so I posted less than half a page in order to bring you... (drum roll) AYA!!! (glomps Aya)

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Thanks to; Haru's Girl, CrazyInsaneAnimeFanGirl, kyou's babe, Nami-yan, EternalBliss, NCAnime99, Silent Angel, Queen of All Chipmunks, Sojo, Ookami Aya, Muffin Queen, Sango-chan Chimpmunk Quee, midori, Crimson Colored Cloaked Figure, bluefuzzyelf, kitty-kyo, Mystikl Sushi, Night-Blaze, niichan626, Kat, Myu Higurashi, The-Great-Monk-Grl

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**Haru's Girl:** O.O Juniishii COOKIES!!!! (grabs cookies and coos at them) They're going on my '_special'_ shelf!! Arigatou!! (gets insane look in her eyes) Yeeeeesssss, my preeeeciiiioooouuuusssssssss!  
  
**kyou's babe:** (throws cabbage at her and grins like a moron) Did you like Aya this... um... paragraph? O.o  
  
**Nami-yan:** YAY!!! I made you destroy your couch!! Um... with juice... O.o Yeah... I'm glad you love this fic so much! (huggles)  
  
**EternalBliss:** O.O (slaps forehead) Why didn't I think of that!? Rabid vampire dogs are MUCH funnier than Rabid Venezuelan Monkeys!! I'm gonna have to punish myself for that! (gets out pink lemonaid) -.- You **_don't_** wanna know. Oh, as for Kagura, well... she's still in the closet. We'll see her next chapter probably.  
  
**Silent:** YAY!! I've got it!! O.o What have I got? (huggles her) You're a dragon!! Like my mother! I'm a rat. (grins) Let's all play the Hatchet Game!! (grabs a slab of cheese)  
  
**Queen of All Chipmunks:** AYA!!!! (ducks behind a couch) Shhh!!! Aretha Franklin is now leading the attack of the paintbrushes, grapes and tomatoes! How do I know? Just listen... (gets quiet) (from far away) "_R-E-S-P-E-C-T!!! FIND OUT WHAT IT MEANS TO ME!!!"_ o.O (points at a burning bush) **See!?** O.o  
  
**Sojo:** Hee-hee! I rewrote "Baby Love" by the Supremes to become Monkey Love once! It goes something like this, "Monkey love, my monkey love, how I need ya, oh how I need ya!" O.o Takes on a whole different meaning, doesn't it?  
  
**Ookami Aya:** Heh, yeah I guessed you weren't writing it anymore. Doesn't stop me from loving it though! (grins) I hoped I wasn't completely stupid not to recognize you. Now that I know you changed your name, I feel better. I'm not sure of the translation, but I think "ookami" means canine... or something... don't trust me... I'm insane. -.- I've heard it used for a dog as well as Kouga-kun. But maybe it was a wolfdog. My sister has the InuYasha game, but she refuses to let me play it because of the fact she's not allowed near my PS2. But she DID get a broken memory card stuck in my PS-one! So I feel justified. (smiles) I'll just steal it while she's at camp! Oh, those fics you mentioned sound good! I wanna read 'em when you get them up! Hmmm... (looks around for plotbunnies) Oh! (pulls one out from under her bed by the ears) I was saving this one for me, but I'll let you have it! It's about Tohru botching a spell that was supposed to rid the Sohma family of the curse. It ends up with ALL of the curse being transferred to her! So she gets P.O.'d often for no real reason (ala Akito) and ends up yelling at everyone. And as soon as she loses control of her emotions she turns into one of the thirteen animals, which ruins the effect. Get PO'd = turn into a cute little bunny. So basically she acts like an insane, emotionally unstable freak who turns into animals all the time. Gee? (looks thoughtful) What would she do about school? Well, I'm glad you like my fic and (bows) **_ARIGATOU GOZAIMASU_** for the idea of Ayame being manly!! I was just gonna have him dress up as a girl scout and sell cookies door to door. O.o But this is so much better!!  
  
**Muffin Queen:** (sings) _Do you know the Muffin Man? The Muffin Man? The Muffin Man?_ (grins) Arigatou gozaimasu!  
  
**midori:** First I must say I love your name. Second, I'm glad you like my fic. Third, they crave peanut butter because peanut butter is the source of all evil. (shifty eyes) And potatoes control the weather.  
  
**bluefuzzyelf:** Oh, yes. I love J-Rock!! I like Gackt, Kinya Kotani, Yamaguchi Kappei, and others that I can't remember because I'm hearing Sakura Fubuki playing non-stop in my head! (searches for her Pretty Guardian CD)  
  
**niichan626:** Well, why I haven't updated follows as such: broken computers, deleted data, tornados, power outages and a lack of inspiration. Happy? (grins and frolicks off after naked, terrified Hatori)  
  
**Myu Higurashi:** Oh! (hops up and down) Are you an InuYasha fan? (huggles Shippou, pets Buyo and molests Sesshoumaru) Hatori isn't 'unaffected'. He's just the sanest one in the bunch... so far. I want him to remain somewhat sane until the others are able to care for themselves. After all, the disease does progress differently for different people. But, if you want to have an idea of Hatori's madness later on; keep this Hatori quote in mind: "_Don't think!! OO Brainwaves endanger...endangered things, like...mushrooms...and...gophers!"_


End file.
